Yep, Me Too

“If all the women who have been sexually harassed or assaulted wrote ‘Me too’ as a status, we might give people a sense of the magnitude of the problem.” – Alyssa Milano

The campaign, #metoo spread across social media quicker than I can spread hummus on a bagel. I’m not usually one to delve deep into the dark corners of my brain but brace yourself, because today is story time and it’s 100% real.

The year was 2008 and I was a shy emo kid, not that this changes the story in any way. If this happened to me today, as a tough as nails 25 year old woman, it would still be disgusting. However, the fact that this happened to 16 year old innocent Jaz just makes me shudder even more.

Let’s start, I had spent an evening with a few friends where I met this boy who was a mutual friend. I was 16 and he was 19. I was a little drunk and we made out quite a bit but that’s all that happened. We met up a couple more times with the same friends and the same shit would happen, we’d have a short make out session and that was it. I wasn’t ready to lose my virginity, I knew that.

On Bonfire Night 2008, me, 19 year old boy and a couple that we were mutual friends with decided to do a little fireworks display. Sounds like a nice idea, right? The night came and we were at his house with no parents around, just two teenage couples making out and watching the fireworks. The other couple decided to disappear and have a bit of quiet time, me & make out boy stayed outside, just chatting and laughing. He then started kissing me pretty roughly, which was fine, I went along with this. He moved a hand lower and I still felt okay with this. The second the button on my jeans was suddenly undone, I did a nervous laughter and assured him that this was my limit right now.

He attempted to change my mind, by ignoring what I said and continuing anyway. This was still… okay, I guess. I slowly moved away and suggested we go back to having a drink and watching the sky. I could feel my nerves getting to me and I did not want to go any further. He ignored me, again. He touched inside of my underwear and suddenly shoved fingers inside me. The pain was excruciating. I pushed both of my hands down with all of the force I had onto his arm and screamed for him to stop and he wouldn’t, he stayed inside of me and pushed into me harder and grabbed onto my body with his other hand and told me to “Shhhh”.

I couldn’t break free, he carried me to his room and pushed me on his bed and threw his clothes on the floor. I said I was fine as I was with my clothes on, forcing tears back and leaning against the wall with a loss of spirit. I could feel my insides were in pain. All I wanted to do was leave and wrap myself in a huge duvet and hibernate for days. He yanked at my clothes and tried to tell me that I would enjoy myself. I told him I wanted to leave and I specifically remember him saying “Give me a blowjob first, if you don’t, I’ll have to shove my fingers inside you again.” I felt so shaky and didn’t know what to do. All I knew is that I didn’t want to feel that pain again so I did what he asked.

I got up and said I had had enough and I would just get my dad to pick me up. He didn’t like this so he grabbed a condom, slipped it on and pushed me down, repeatedly telling me that I would enjoy it. I was trying to force him off, which felt like it was only delaying the inevitable as I was only weak back then. What felt like a rescue but was most likely only a coincidence, a knock at the door happened and it was a friend of his trying to talk to him, he started putting clothing on and I used this to promptly get dressed and run out of the door, pretending that my dad was outside.

I didn’t give him the chance to speak and I didn’t get the chance to think until I made it to the bus stop. I texted my friends that disappeared earlier in the night and got them to meet me and we set off home. For weeks, I thought that I was a wuss and I was frigid and that this was all my fault. I didn’t believe he had done anything wrong because I felt as if I owed him my body. I felt ashamed at myself for being nervous.

Flash forward 9 years and I am absolutely disgusted and sickened by the way I was treated. It doesn’t fucking matter how much a guy does for you, you never owe him your vagina! Sex should be between two consenting adults and should be fun! What fucking shit was going through 16 year old me’s mind when I thought I had done something wrong that night. I cried and cried back then because I believed that I was useless because I saw it that I had led him on and he had every right to act that way. WRONG. SO SO SO WRONG.

If even one young girl or boy (even if that is my just little sister) looks at this posts and alters their perception, even slightly, I’ll feel amazing that I have done something to contribute to changing the way we look at sexual harassment. Humanity is making progress with how seriously sexual harassment and sexual assault are taken, but there is so much more that could be done.

Blessthefall @ Fibbers – 26th Sept 2017

HOLYCRAPHOLYCRAPHOLYCRAP. The beautiful Beau Bokan looked at me in the audience and took my hand and I know it might not seem like much but I have never been so stunned in my life, aarrhghghh! JUST LOOK AT MY HAPPY FACE.

I think it’s been 8 years since I discovered Blessthefall and they quickly became one of my favourite bands so this is a big deal to me… I don’t go to enough gigs.

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Vodka, Fire Breathing Dragons & Hummus in Poland!

When you answer with “Poland” when getting asked where you’re going on holiday, a lot of people convey the impression of bewilderment. It’s not your typical lazy beach holiday that many of the population lust after but it’s beautiful, majestic, cheap, historic and I could go on. I went to Krakow & Warsaw over a week with my friend John so here’s some pretty snaps to follow!

Krakow:

Lovely things we did – visited Wawel Castle & Krakow Barbakan, tried vegan donner kebab, had cocktails at the Hard Rock Cafe, found a cafe that was 99% hummus & chickpeas, tried to brave the Lost Souls Alley before thinking it looked like we may actually be murdered and then running back out and petted lots of horses.

Warsaw:

Lovely things we did – admired the vast difference between old town and new town, went clothes shopping, visited an interesting gallery, ate a big bowl of hummus and petted lots of horses.

 

York Unleashed August 2017

Another month, another Comic Con.
Here’s my nerdy outfit of the day; featuring Sailor Moon tights, Kaneki Tokyo Ghoul tee and a ‘Cakes With Faces’ jacket ’cause I’m such a control freak 😉

The grand entrance, which did include Transformers, Darlics and Stormtroopers. I regularly get asked what you do at Comic Con events, each one is different, but allow me to show you…

Spent two minutes as Jabba’s bitch.

Hung out with my beautiful man beast ❤

Browsed endless boxes of nerd merch. Why didn’t I buy the Sally figurine?!

I did buy ‘cute’ Ghost Face. LOOK AT HOW CUTE HIS GHOULISH FACE IS.

Admired the pixel art.

… and all of the other awesome things you won’t find anywhere else. I mean, if you scoured the internet you might, but it’s more fun this way.

Met little BB8. Proof that droids are cute AF.

Completed a session of knife throwing training. Absolutely my new hobby. (Seriously, I’m buying knives and targets of my enemies, like now).

Don’t mess with me! Those feint lines in his face are stab marks.

Vegan pizza & Pink Gin to finish off the day… 🙂

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Book Update

I’m working on a story which incorporates mental health, trauma, suicide, feminism, the slow destruction of Earth, and gradual rebuilding of society after a near apocalypse.

It’s probably not news that reality is we have war, abuse of animals, eradication of forests, poverty, pollution, climate change and an increased population but imagine if it got to the point where we’d destroyed too much of our world.

Earth, lifeless and drab, what if someone… or something, decided to take action to fix what we have left?

I’m up to chapter 13 and I’m training myself to write little and often. I’m incorporating ideas from my life and getting into the ambiance of my version of our broken world. My aim is to have it finished by Summer/Autumn 2018. Woo!

MCM Manchester Comic Con July 2017

Cool cosplays, crowds of geeks and mass shopping. If you’re enthusiastic about anything pop culture, it can be super exciting. I mean, we had real life voice of Ichigo KurosakiIchigoKurosaki4.png and a replica Iron Throne Dany-on-throne which looked as good as the real thing. Storm Troopers, Meeseeks, Pokemon, everything that is freakin’ awesome in one goddamn beautiful place!

BB gun training separate, fancied including it here because it was straight after and captured some cool shots featuring my dress ❤ I wish I was a badass girl with a real gun, taking down villians… ahhh, one can daydream.

Purchased from Comic Con is featured below;

Japanese Drink with Pokemon on, Death Note mug, Mimikyu shirt, ‘Banned’ handbag, Sailor Moon tights, Zombie necklace, Sailor Moon badges, mini No Face from Spirited Away with chain, Eeevee choker, skeleton hand clip… cat purchased separately.

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I got a lot of compliments on my Bmo dress, you can purchase it here at;

www.geekcore.co.uk/adventure-time-bmo-a-line-dress.html

Book tickets to London Comic Con in October where I’ll be headed;

https://www.mcmexpostore.com/collections/london-comic-con

 

Pictures all mine except mini Ichigo and Iron Throne;

http://naruto-bleach.wikia.com/wiki/Ichigo_Kurosaki

http://hbowatch.com/who-really-has-claim-to-the-iron-throne/

Estella Havisham

“I must be taken as I have been made. The success is not mine, the failure is not mine, but the two together make me.”

– Estella (Charles Dickens, Great Expectations)

I’ve just finished my first book on Audible! I’ve been intrigued by the idea of an audiobook for a while and now that I have a 40 minute walk to work and a 40 minute walk back home, I thought it would be a good way to do two things at once. For the last couple of weeks, I read an old flame, Great Expectations.

I get a high on the way Dickens writes. His words are engaging and his characters feel alive. The voices of audible read aloud stories in such a dreamy way, you just need to be careful of getting lost in the book and walking into traffic! Don’t worry, I keep a part of me alert at all times.

I particularly posted this quote because in the last year, I’ve messed up on things and I’ve conquered a lot more. I have an unfinished novel sat in my MacBook and the next two days free. Let’s work on this baby.

MCM London Comic Con May 2017

“My specialty is lacerating flesh. Anyone interested in experiencing my skill first hand, step right up.” — Mikasa Ackerman, Attack On Titan

I didn’t spent a crazy amount of time and money on this, but still, getting into the role of a fictional character you admire feels so powerful. The transformation from regular day jeans and a t-shirt to a recreated version of a soldier that kills titans (or whatever else takes your fancy) takes you into your own fantasy world.

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Merchandise galore!

If only I could have left with an overloaded bag of manga books.

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James’ first nerdy convention, he makes excellent company 🙂

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Swords make a great homeware item.

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Where else would you see light sabers, wookies and… chibi fruit?

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GIANT BALL OF YARN! GIANT CATS!

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I could do with a large house to put all of this merch in.

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So much excitement at Comic Con. The only bitch face on that day was on purpose so I could be more like Mikasa Ackerman.

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mikasa

Photos of The Weird & Wonderful Amsterdam

When in Amsterdam, do as the Dutch do.

 

Celebrate King’s Day!

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Admire the beautiful scenery!

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Drink all day and check out alternative cafes!

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Break the soap dispenser in Hard Rock Cafe… Ohh James (yes, I went in the men’s).

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Make friends! *meow*

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Visit unusual exhibitions!

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Geek out in comic book stores!

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Take selfies with a hot man! ❤

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Struggle with the Metro a little, ha…

Nailed it on the last day!

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I don’t think I could ever get bored in this extraordinary city.